And engage in shenanigans.
Phase 1
For the umpteenth time this week I stare through a glass wall at my desired fit sitting less than 5tf away, and there's nothing I can do about it without losing the tech 2 guns or a heat sink. That's right, we're talking DPS, we're talking the Slicer. The Midler, out to get some action. I can't fit her for PvP just yet so I instead throw the gear I'll need in the boot and head to Arnon still in PvE mode; I can grab a CPU mod once I'm there. I will never see a missing skill level irritate me more than being stuck on Electronics IV.
I pass a flashy Drake in his death throes at Ostingele's gate to highsec. Maybe I could have whored that killmail, or would the non-flashy victor, another Drake, have turned on me? If I was quick to zap and run would he have even caught me? Probably not. I only wonder and continue on. Thanks to Brep's video showing that the HUD can actually be moved, I spend the rest of the journey on autopilot screwing with the UI.
Arrive. Dock. PLEX. Buy co-processor. I pull the old girl apart and strap on the goods. Basically we're going to kite with the MWD, scorch and a long point. Nothing too flash; no rigs and no tech 2 disruptor. A serious fit ruined by my skills budget. Who cares, it's going to rock and somewhere, out there, a noob is going to be welcomed to Evil. I mean, Eve. He will be welcomed to Eve.
Undock.
Phase 2
Right, I need some cans. I need some targets. I find a ship out on his own and warp to his belt. An Exequror, soon to be joined by a Vexor. Inexperience on full display, I am advised that a Slicer can take a Vexor and that Vexor > Exequror. Turns out the Exe is just a cargo cruiser and this guy's just mining anyway; I doubt he's a threat at all. Next to him is a juicy can full of veldspar. Veldspar suddenly becomes a lot more valuable in my mind. Should it come to that, can I take both of these cruisers? Don't need to. They're both in NPC corps which means whatever I do to either one, he's on his own. Double check the facts in my mind, forget completely about the Vexor and return to the precious, precious veldspar. Naturally for a miner, his ship is parked right next to it.
Drones. Suddenly drones are everywhere and the Exe has me locked. I pause briefly but this is normal; I do the same all the time. He's not aggressing, just trying to intimidate, just playing the mechanics and I see the drones are on a leash. Triple check the facts because let's face it, I'm still a noob out of water here and despite the universal laws of Eve, losing the Slicer is not in the plan. This is all about letting someone else do something stupid and having the overwhelming upper hand. This is not going to end with a "gf." More like a sorry and a frowny face.
Loot.
I can only carry a fraction of his haul but that's all it takes; the glove-slap has been dealt. I turn and fly out of scram range just in case, pretending to myself that it wasn't already too late to do this had it been genuinely required. In reality, if he had wanted to scram me and had been capable of it, I would have been scrammed. I had toyed with the idea of simply tractoring the can away from his ship since I have a spare high that I can leave offline. It would have been worth it for the lolz alone, but I'm impatient so I steal his loot next to his cruiser. The warp scrambler never happens of course and soon I'm zooming around him at 20km, admiring the results of my stunning feat of bravery. Balls of rolled titanium, this one.
Nothing. He doesn't care, I could only lift 1000 units and there's heaps more in there. Okay so he's not going to fight, he knows how it works. Check the market. "Well, at least I can rip him off almost a million ISK," I reason to myself with complete inaccuracy. Herp. The only problem is carrying it. By the time I fly back for my third dip into his earnings he'll probably have left the scene. Then I realise I can simply make it my ore, instead of his ore, and he will just have to deal with that. So once again I pull up next to his ship and his little operation and create a new can of my own with the 1000 veldspar I had just nicked. Open his can, grab all of his hard work, drop it into mine. That must have annoyed him. It was pure, gleeful robbery. I should have laid a little smack in local. Oh well, hindsight. All this ore you just extracted, it's mine now. Property of Xenial Jesse Taalo and Concord will defend it as such. You could steal it back but I'm afraid my ship is bigger than yours. Well, not bigger, but that's the point innit guv? The Midler is clearly wearing the pants right here and my ship can kick your ship's arse.
He didn't steal it back.
Instead he bailed, leaving me to think of the best way to truck this stuff to a station. I had recently lost a Thrasher so I decide that now's the time to replace it and that this will be my mini hauler. Since Dan Estrellas Amigo had spent a lot of time in Arnon there was still plenty of junk lying around and I quickly threw together a Thrasher fit that was nothing short of art. One missile launcher, 2 different lasers, two 150mm autos, two 220mm autos and a railgun. Beautiful. MWD, medium shield booster, cargo scanner. Just a cheap, fun mess and it was going to finish the job in only 2 runs. This was my favourite Thrasher ever. Was.
Undock.
Phase 3
Which belt was it again?
I hunt around for a few minutes but it's obvious what has happened. I've taken too long and Abrakadabra Ivankov, for that was his name, has returned to the scene, grabbed my ore and left the system. Stinking thieves. Cloaking would have been the way to go there. Well, I'm in a hippyfit Thrasher now, perfect for inciting noob aggression and flipping some more cans.
I don't bother with the scanner and just roam the belts until I run into another Vexor, a different one, whose pilot has a real bounty on his head. As before there is someone here mining but no can this time. A few abandoned NPC wrecks are lying around so I head for those to at least pretend I'm here for a reason. Meanwhile everyone locks everyone else lol; so much for keeping up appearances. The miner decides it's a little too hot and warps away; the cruiser decides it's not hot enough and proceeds to ram me several times. Mofo. MWD on and continue the pretend looting. He doesn't know I have a Slicer nearby. I jettison the trash as I loot and eventually he does decide I'm worth it and steals said trash.
Flashy!
This time I won't forget which belt and I bring up a new bookmark to be doubly sure. Planet X, Belt 1. I'm still safe; he's waiting for my response and no-one is attacking. He can't attack. I can, I'm allowed to, but I'm still typing away in my new bookmark. So much red where my shields used to b- what th- I'm being attacked! He's attacking me! WTF! Who started attacking??!! Where is Concord??!! Why are my missiles o- WHY ARE MY MISSILES ON!?!? ARGHHH BELT 1 NOT BELT F1!!! FAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGING warpwarpwarpofcourseI'mscrammedwarpwarpwarpwarpwarpwarp. S***.
Like the farmer's daughter's father fetching his shotgun as he cusses under his breath, my pod docks again in Arnon VIII and I hustle for the Slicer. God damn session timer. Frikking F1 key. Why were we locked anyway!? It's on mate. IT. IS. ON. I am going to get this ship in space and I am going to hunt you down. I am going to kite you and you won't be able to hit me and you won't be able to scram me and your drones won't be able to catch me and you will slowly die. So this is what the session timer is all about; thinking bad th- ok forget that the Slicer is active. The Midler is active. This bitch is ready to go and I am going to take that Vexor. Some people I've never spoken to before said I could and dammit I think they're right.
Undock.
Warning! You are currently flagged for being part of combat actions and you are about to enter an area with people wanting to kill you! If you continue they will use all means necessary to kill you and the station will probably not let you back in. Are you sure you want to continue?
UN. DOCK.
Phase 4
Well so much for hunting him down, he's right here. And we're both flashy...
awesome deef, that was a great read 
Good to see you're embracing the darker side of eve!
