Collingwood Jokes

[Texas]

15 ways to tell if you are a Collingwood Fan

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people.”
5. Someone in your family once died right after saying, “ Hey, watch this!”
6. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
7. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife’s hairdo.
8. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: “ Carn the Pies!”
9. You lit a match in the kitchen and your house exploded…..right off its wheels.
10. The market value of your car goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.
11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
13. You can’t marry your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
14. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
15. Your front veranda collapses and kills more than five dogs.




Q. What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he’ll choke anyway.

Q. What’s the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn’t waste 22 matches.

Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you avoid hitting him?
A. It could be your bicycle.

Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3 million has a rough chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Collingwood fan – Twice.

Q. What’s the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a Pit Bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, an intelligent Collingwood fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical characters.

Q. What do Collingwood fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What’s the difference between a Collingwood fan and a trampoline?
A. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

D
id you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamp issue? They had Collingwood players on them and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

D
id you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood jumper? The police had to dress him up in women’s underwear in order to save his family the embarrassment.
A
Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a St.Kilda scarf.
“Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Collingwood fans allowed in Heaven”.
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.
“You heard. No Collingwood fans.”
“But, but, but I’ve been a good man,” replies the Collingwood supporter.
“Oh, really?” says St. Peter. “What have you done then?”
“Well,” says the guy, “three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 20 bucks to the Tsunami Relief Fund.”
“Okay,” says St. Peter, “you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Governor.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here’s your 60 bucks back, now piss off!”







Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts chatting with Terry Wallace.
Terry says to Mick, “Well Mick, I don’t know what you think of your players at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Mick.
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Terry. “We put them through a special intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see how well he does.”
Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Matthew Richardson.
Terry calls him over and asks him,” Tell me Matty, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“ Ah, that’s simple plow,” says Matthew, “it’s me”.
“Well done Matty”, says Terry, and Mick is very impressed.
Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the team.
He calls in Buckley and asks,” Nathan, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I’ll give you an answer tomorrow?”
“ Of course,” says Mick, “you’ve got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer.”
Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his teammates. Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn’t sure.
Tarrant was certain that it couldn’t be anyone.
McKee admitted he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing. Cloke also owned up to failing the test while trying to get a position at Punt Rd.
Prestigiacomo thought it could be a cousin in Italy who had been adopted as a child.
The rest of the team wouldn’t even hazard a guess. Licuria went into the foetal position.
20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says” I know, I’ll ring James Hird! He’s clever, he’ll know the answer.”
He calls James. “Hirdy,” he says, “tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not you brother and is not your sister?”
“ Very simple,” says James, “it’s me!”
“ Of course!” says Nathan and immediately rings Mick.
“ Mick,” says Nathan, “ I’ve got the answer: it’s James Hird.”
“ No, you idiot,” says Mick. “It’s Matthew Richardson.”

[westical]

I love recycled jokes.

[Megaman]

I love recycled jokes.

Yeah, those are just rehashed Broncos jokes.

[westical]

I'm sure we'd all prefer dead Bulldogs supporters.

Edit - RIP Steve

[Candy Arse]

I love recycled jokes.

Yeah, those are just rehashed Broncos jokes.

[westical]

Where's your Queensland SOO sig Megaman?

[Pat]

Who says you need to re-use jokes. Here's a real one:

Nathan Buckley left Brisbane to play with Collingwood because he "Wanted to have a chance of winning a Premiership"

[van]

Apparently Mick Malthouse will be quitting tonight, due to health concerns. If you ask me, Eddie's sacking him, but loves him enough to give him a somewhat more honourable exit than a straight-out sacking.