Big Brother 2012

[Hercy]

I don't start threads often but I'll start this one.

So.

The show opens to a thing Channel Ten would never have done but which Nine loves - choreographed dancers. But Ten would have had the same clapping-in-time-with-music audience so we're now back in familiar, comfortable territory.

Sonia shows us the house which has some past/present/future gimmick. Past means pastel blue. Present means wood-fired pizza ovens and future means a wavy roof.

They don't waste much time introducing the first housemate. Unfortunately there is no awkward car convoy this year. The housemates simply walk out on stage.

Chewbacca is our first contestant and he shows us his house. For some reason they go straight to the highest risk area of his home - the garden - where the camera operator has to work carefully to frame out the dope plants that Michael must have. It is a family friendly season, after all.

Back on stage, Sonia makes fun of how few shirts he's brought, even though he's using a suitcase supplied by Big Brother and it's smaller than what most people stuff into an overhead locker on an aeroplane.

Michael is frisked as he goes in. A sniffer dog would have been more appropriate.

We see him wandering about the house, and it's immediately obvious that his secret is that he's blind, because he's touching everything gingerly and falling over the furniture.

Sarah is the next housemate, and is a car salesperson who must love her job because she likes horses.

She doesn't like condescending people but doesn't mind following that up with the trite-ist philosophy in the world of glasses being half full. And she hopes that relateable people are in house, which is the very least you would expect of a team of casting agents and not condescending at all.

She enters the house into a 19th century bordello and finds the champagne with practised ease.

Big Brother teases the secrets. "One is hiding great intelligence". I bet it's pretty fucking well hidden.

Next is Angie and she thinks that she's really a boy. Secret out.

Angie is one of those people who think that going to uni means that you must be intelligent. Some viewer using Twitter with a Daria avatar tweets that Angie is just like her. Angie's fans are clearly just as smart as her.

We are introduced to Zoe who has gotten lost and wandered off from the set of Farmer Wants A Husband, or more specifically Farmer Wants A Husband Who Is Tall And Nice And Good Looking.

She gets a bit racist and starts ragging on refugees which goes over a treat with the Queensland crowd. To be fair though, the crowd is only a barometer of whatever the person in charge of lighting up the 'applause', 'woop', and 'oooh' signs above the audience thinks.

Zoe enters the house and Angie, the intelligent one, ponders whether all the girls are going to be held in the pink room to start off with.

Layla is next and appears to be a rejected BB UK housemate. She loves the Aussie dream which is to be unemployed and mooch off your dad. Hey, I watch The Shire. That's pretty close.

The conversation drifts to that boring cliche of UK tourists - Australian slang. Who knows how much of the ensuing conversation got cut before broadcast because all we heard was her stuffing up 'bogan'.

She walks across the stage to enter the house and the front row does their awkward two metre walk to the fence line to slap hands as she walks past, then shuffle back to their seats under the watchful eye of a guy wearing a black t-shirt and a headset. I bet they thought they had good seats.

Josh comes out next and Merrick Watts does a double take wondering why his comedy partner didn't tell him about being on Big Brother.

After calling himself a surfer dude but showing no surfing footage, he comes out on stage as the first ever hipster housemate. Even Sonia Kruger, who has continued Gretel's controversial fashions and has eschewed clothing in order to fashion pants from the wrapping of the BBQ chicken she had for dinner, makes fun of his pants.

Zoe sees Josh on the screen and the only words that come out is "that is a really weird outfit".

Charne works at a cabaret theatre restaurant and like all fat chicks thinks that Marilyn Monroe was fat and that if she dresses in a blonde wig and red lipstick then she will get some rub-off association with Hollywood glamour.

She goes into the house and even though she's only the 5th female housemate, Zoe is already having to cheers with an empty glass.

Charne thinks that "Charne" is too complicated a name so instead of letting nicknames develop organically she requests that people call her Char or Vava. The worst sort of person.

Estelle is a law student and is apparently not like your typical law student. Even though there are only two types of law student - young Liberals and hippy greenies. And Estelle is a hippy greenie with a bit of Avril Lavigne-style punk skater.

Apparently her law-trained debating skills will mean that she can hold her own in any argument in the house. An especially distracted dog could hold its own in a debate with most Big Brother housemates.

Stacey has the blandest pre-recorded package yet. Her nickname is Totes because "hrmmm".

She's far and away the most likely to break out Little Britain catch phrases.

Bradley is the token overwhelming geek stereotype to dispel any criticism that Big Brother is full of bimbos and himbos.

He's come to the stage dressed in a Coles uniform which is strange because he works for his parent's independent supermarket. He starts doing terrible pre-prepared comic material but ends it by getting to first base with Sonia before leaving the stage.

We then see a bit of a highlights package, the 'highs' of which do not bode well for the rest of the season.

Firstly we find out that the house has been built by the contestants of The Block because Estelle and Angie mistake a flimsy wall for a door.

Then Sarah has a conversation with Brad where her objectives are two-fold: ask subtley whether he is afraid of flying animals to find out if his secret is being scared of birds even though Big Brother said they couldn't ask directly. And two, work in desperately to the conversation that she has a boyfriend by asking him who he will miss most by being in the house, knowing she will be able to give the recipricol answer.

Big Brother does the usual trick of blowing secret tasks out of the water by calling the girls to the parlour to discuss the secrets. They quickly work out that the task is fatally flawed because the guys know that they have a specific secret and will just lie in answer to questions about it. Not only that, but the guys will twig instantly that the parlour visits are related to their secrets and be even more guarded about them.

And then Michael and Charne discuss dish washing. At. Length.

[GreyWizzard]

I've not really watched BB before, yet I was mildly interested in this. I liked Michael and Bradley. I'll watch a bit more I think. What the fuck is a totes?

[Cletus]

Excellent start. Hercy I mean, not the actual show.

It's a little like "Almost Celebrity Big Brother"

Nicole also said "Rosso" when "Rosso" walked out.

There's almost Chrissy Swan
Almost Pink
Almost Tim Ross

[GeneraL CyberFunK]

I met Layla in the audition process... nice.. but a bit dim. All in all the cast is a bit meh.

[pilonv1]

Big Brother teases the secrets. "One is hiding great intelligence". I bet it's pretty fucking well hidden.

[Cletus]

I think it's a positive that Goldman is back. I thought they might thaw him out for the show. Apparently Gretel appears as some of the dried meat snacks to be consumed by the housemates. Is it the same BB voice or a new one? It sounds close if not the same. I now expect an appearance by the Ginger Ninja.

Family Friendly. This is going to be pretty boring if they don't let these people get wasted a lot. Or if they don't starve them.

[Shaneus]

Another Big Brother year, another year that Hercy's posts make it interesting.

Not one to be superficial, but any remotely good-looking wimmenz in there, or are they just girls put in there to appeal to teenage girls (ie. not attractive)?


Oh, Mike Goldman's back in? Hopefully he puts on his Meerkat Manor voice.

[Deef]

I was a bit disappointed that I missed the start... for some reason I was interested in it this time. I think Sonia. Anyway Hercy fun post, helped make up for missing it. I look forward to using it for reference later.

[Twiztid Elf]

Caught some of tonights episode.
Holy shit that was fucking terrible.

[GreyWizzard]

Not putting them all in at once is kind of shit. Stretching it out too much...

[Madmya]

Caught some of tonights episode.
Holy shit that was fucking terrible.

Agreed. It was a bunch of obnoxious people talking over each other. I had to turn it off.

[GeneraL CyberFunK]

Reports are coming in that new guy Ryan and Estelle did not go through the casting process and were picked from a casting agency.
Still meh. I think I dodged a bullet not getting in.

[Froggy]

Imagine coming out to read this thread if you got in, oh man lol

[pilonv1]

so a bunch of young white australians and one UKer? How diverse

[Madmya]

Don't be racist pilon.

[Hercy]

I like Ray already. He's gonna fuck things up.

[Megaman]

Who's Ray? Oh fuck we're 30 mins behind in the ACT. Anyway, it's been so long I wasn't sure if I would still love this. But I do. If anything it's better than I remember.

[Megaman]

Not putting them all in at once is kind of shit. Stretching it out too much...

I think it's a good idea because it gives us a chance to get to know the men. Who are of course going to be the main characters in the show, if it's anything like previous series.

[GeneraL CyberFunK]

Wow. Just. Wow. Go the stereotypes... Kill ray and the homo.

[Megaman]

Ray's got to be the guy who think's he's a genius, right?

[Hercy]

Well it's not the guy who brought a suit into the BB house.

[Megaman]

I don't think the suit make the top five of ridiculous outfits being worn tonight.

[Grimey]

Here is the millionaire

[Hercy]

I don't think the suit make the top five of ridiculous outfits being worn tonight.

1. Ben's braces
2. Brad's hip hop gear
3. Estelle's high waisted yellow jeans
4. Charne's green leopard print
5. Michael's hair
6. Brad's suit

Yeah, fair enough.

[Megaman]

And what's with the chocolate milk? Is that meant to be his unique 'thing' that sets him apart from everyone else? Fucking everyone likes chocolate milk. It's like saying you like blowjobs. You don't have to carry on like a two year old when you don't get it though.